Random blog

Well I didn't want to use this as the typical blog, telling everything you do and stuff but, I feel I want to start to do that again and I don't want to do another blog , I'm just too lazy for that.

the reason is that I need to write some serious stuff in the future but I feel so.. how to sya it.. so repressed. Everytime I want to write I think and think but nothing really "flows". I feel so blocked, so I though that writing eveyrthing I feel could be a good idea.

Also even when I blogged before I felt I had no freedom at all cause people would be posting and saying that I write things too depresive or  just starts to judge my way of seeing things. Is not that I think that I'm perfect but I don't feel like.. strong enough to trust myself and ignore it and keep going. For me, is like everythig I do is always critized, a song, a drawings, a painting, and my job. Is not like selling stuff in the store when you don't say: "I did it pretty well or bad", I mena, is posible but usually you just sell something or not. In creative jobs, is not black or white. there are always grays and I feel I have no control over that. I mean I never know when something will be loved or hated. And it really sucks because is not like "I put all my effort, so I know it will be a good work" sometimes is totally the opposite, but sometimes it is like that. Is totally random for me. So I can't stop feeling anxious all the time. Everything seems so uncertain...

So I want to have a certain freedom. and in fact there are times when I leave eveyrthing behind, expecting to strt all over again with the best wishes.. but the same situation happens over ad oever again even when I feel my skills are improving! I'm so tired.. but I can't stop doing what I do at the same time.. so. is like I'm traped in a cycle and the best I can do it to deal with it.

However writing was something that I totally left behind in my life. As a teenager I wrote a lot of pages or random thougs and feelings. Also thousands of e-mails, when chat systems weren't so popular. I've read some of those mails and I feel that person (teenager version of me) was so naive in many ways... but I miss that somehow.. caus even I was so shy and stupid, people had a good image of me..and as I grew old, I just became more selfish and cold. Yeah, I could follow the society rules, make things by myself and all that stuff.. but, was it really better?

and naerly all the people I met in the past became strangers for me, so is imposible they say to me, hey you should be like you were some time ago". They will never tell me that cause I don't exists for them anymore

However , of course I met new people, but is weird, when I was younger I was pretty lose to my friends I felt that friendships would last forever and all the stuff but now people just passes by, they seems totally disposable, and I guess they think the same about me.

Of course I feel very clsoe to some people, I've fallen in love also. But things like that come to and end pretty quick and my relationship with people become weaker and weaker, I start to feel I won't be able to speak to anyone someday.

In fact this is the most lonely section of my life..but, maybe the one I feel more peaceful with myself. I can deal with most of the pain, I can smile if I really want it. Even aging may do thigs harder and harder, something inside me says that nothing has changed at all, in fact is the opposite, is like I have more energy and posibilities. When I see my self in the mirror I know is a lie somehow but.. who knows? maybe I'm lying to myself all the time... and really don't know why. to stay sane?

Sometimes I feel so drunk with the world arounds me.. mainly the internet but everything seems so fake. People always looking for beatiful people, stuff, etc. is so empty but even my self can't stop falling into it. I tried to avoid that when I was younger but, somehow I feel I felt in the same thing.

And is like a drug that somehow helps me so I can't let it go.

Is amazing how much I realize what I do wrogn in life. in my 31 years old, I think about it and I think I know most of it.. but the hard part is to avoid that mistakes. and the worst is that I feel I'm becoming a worse person.

My head is always asking me: what should I do next?" and I can't stop thinking, since I fail in everything I do.

And the typicla problem is like: maybe if I put all I got into this, I will make somthing great! but I feel so stressed, confused and beaten inside that I can't give my 100%

so in the end I'm trapped.

I really desire that freedom I don't have.

And when I feel close to the freedom, I feel so good, like I'm getting close to heaven.

Funny thing, now that I'm writing what I feel, is like having a conversation with my old self. Like, he is trapped on the data I've written long ago and now I'm telling him how things are. And even I've said so many bad things now, if I could send a mail to the past now, I woudl say that I'm fine now after all. There are things I may regrets but, miracles I pursued, they became reality.. maybe I'm asking too much of myself?

Well now I should tell what I'm really doing. Today I started a job, in my mother's work place. I don't do much and it's a world totally unknown for me, and uninteresting, I mean, I wouldn't stand to work in something like that ..I think.. who knows. but when I compare it with my job in the tv channel, I feel that, however, I wish the TV channel could work like my mom's job... is really so hard? to have everything clean, in order and responsably? and windows, yeah how I wish my job place could have windows .-.

But let's have hope that I can work there again. Oh well and I have to study more about 3D but I want to buy a new PC before cause doing 3D in an old computer is a pain in the ass.

and there's the music I make, the visual novel I was working  in and the film.

Damn I didn't want to get involved in so may things .-.

And I really wish I coudl meet someone good at making stories xD everyday I think more and more about it... someone with goode ideas of stories and characters can make everyone feel motivated and doin a great bigger job.

unluckily that's not me, however as I always think, if no one can make it, then do it yourself.

OK I'll stop here, I hope I have more writing motivation and keep writing blogs.